I heard a Judge tell a husband and wife in a divorce case, “Although you are divorced now, you will be in each other’s lives for the next 18 years!” As a witness to the Judge’s statement, I can say with complete certainty that both parties were not excited about the Judge’s frank announcement. Most people think when they divorce they are permanently removed from their former spouse’s life. Realistically, when there are minor children in the picture, it does not work that way. Why? You guessed it correctly! Because a new relationship must be forged with the same person you believe you divorced; a relationship that revolves strictly around the needs of your children with no regard of your own needs. That is a difficult concept for many parents to grasp.
I am not a parent and I am not married. Nevertheless, I am a family law attorney. Attorney Silva and I deal with this concept and its associated issues daily. Together we have over twenty-two years of experience dealing with parents from every social and economic background yet they share a common challenge, transforming their joint relationship with the children into an individual relationship joined with the individual relationship of their former spouse. I have gained a tremendous amount of insight about parenting and as the old adage goes, “proper preparation prevents poor performance.” This certainly applies to parenting. Thus, a well written parenting plan can be a great way to properly prepare for the challenges of parenthood after a divorce.
Since 2008, the Florida Legislature requires parenting plans be created in all divorce cases with children under 18 years of age. Florida Statute 61.046(14) defines a parenting plan as “a document created to govern the relationship between the parents relating to decisions that must be made regarding the minor child and must contain a time-sharing schedule for the parents and child. The issues concerning the minor child may include, but are not limited to, the child’s education, health care, and physical, social, and emotional well-being.” Therefore, if you divorced in or after 2008 and you have children, “time-sharing schedule” and “right of first refusal” are familiar phrases to you.
Parenting plans can be plans for successful parenting. The parenting plan will work best if Mom and Dad cooperate and respect each other as parents. Be specific, include anything and everything from time-sharing, tax considerations, insurance, extra-curricular, to telephone and internet rules. Parenting plans generally contain flexibility provisions which allow parents to make agreed upon changes they deem appropriate without resorting to the Court system. It becomes a living document, a guide to be used instead of the Court system. However, without cooperation and respect, the parenting plan becomes more of a weapon one or both parents can use against each other. This will surely land you back in front of a Judge, who will in 99% of the cases tell you that both you and your former spouse have behaved badly. You will have disagreements about what is best for the children as they grow. Is that really any different than when you were married? Learning to discuss your differences in a civilized manner and picking your mountains is important because children mimic their parents and are influenced by their parent’s behavior. In terms of conflict resolution, you can set a great example for your children by conducting yourselves appropriately when problems arise. It is always best to have any changes, even temporary, done in writing, whether via emails and texts or a formal agreement.
On the other hand, parenting plans can also be the beginning of future litigation. When parents do not embrace the notion of shared parental responsibility or co-parenting, this can lead to many problems. Shared parental responsibility means that neither parent is superior to the other in regards to decision making. It requires a cooperative and unified effort. For example, disagreements over where your children will attend school or who is allowed to pick them up from school are issues we see regularly at our office. Recently, a parent moved to a new school district and removed the child from school without the consent of the other parent. When asked why that was in the best interest of the child, the answer was that it was easier to get the child to and from school before work. What would your answer be? When making important decisions both parents must consider what is in the best interests of the children, as opposed to what is in the best interests of the individual parent. That one issue led to costly litigation for both parents. Can you guess what the Judge ruled? I often ask my clients to take themselves out of the picture and pretend it is someone else’s child, what would you advise that parent to do for their child?
In short, successful parenting depends on the parents and their attitudes. If you approach anything with a positive, cooperative, respectful, and loving spirit, you are sure to get the results that you desire. The most important aspect of co-parenting is the children’s needs above the parents’ needs. The “my way or the high way” attitude goes against the spirit of shared parental responsibility and will be detrimental to the development of happy and healthy children. Remember, they will be the parents of your grandchildren, how you handle their needs as children may very likely come back to haunt you!
By: Denaro Allen, Esq.; Law Offices of Gail Linscott Silva, P.A.
Denaro Allen, Esq. can be reached at www.kissimmeelaw.net